free write

what does it mean to be successful?

being that i'm sixteen years old, i'm just now starting to realize just how much i am about to take upon myself as an adult. i always strive to be the best possible version of myself, constantly pushing to become just a little bit better. but the ultimate goal has yet to become clear to me.

many people find that success means renown and fame, exorbitant wealth, or maybe just peace and quiet. right now, i'm on a search to find what i define as success. for the time being, i just want to be happy. with an ultimate goal in mind, i set out on my day to day life in the overly clichéd pursuit of happiness.

no matter how simple or trite the pursuit of happiness may seem, it's something that i hold very dearly; every step along the journey i have embarked upon is a result of careful thinking and planning. the next phase of my life seems to be to continue onto college after high school to hopefully achieve my dreams as a computer programmer. sure, it's a pretty 'nerdy' thing to be interested in but for the time being at least, it's what i want to do to keep food in my mouth and a roof over my head. i suppose if money was of no consequence in living in today's world, i'd be a far different person, someone who spends even less of their time on assignments for school, and even more on improving myself as a musician with the ultimate goal of becoming an entertainer not only for the pleasure of an audience being enthralled by beautiful melodies but for the sake of appreciating the sounds of music for the ethereal experience that they create simply for myself. i don't know what in particular makes music such an appealing aspect of life for me, but there's an inexplicable attraction to rhythm and sound. there is something about the impact of sound on my sense of hearing that makes me finally find happiness, no matter what circumstances may be the case for me. so why give up on the dream of playing music? the answer is about as simple as you'd expect; i rationalize to myself constantly that the reason i don't want to pursue music is that it's a field that few can succeed in, but i realize that i made this excuse simply so that i can hide from the fear it derives itself from; whenever put in circumstances where the outcome is uncertain, it is easy to simply seek an alternative. however, the reasoning behind my current choice of career is not entirely based upon rationale; i hold technology just as near as music to my heart - the reason is quite obvious to me now that i have sat and thought upon it for a while. i love to create, although with a preference to create things that i can be proud of myself. otherwise, what's the point? everything i do, say, act, et cetera are representative of who i am. if my creations are anything less than what i'd like them to be they are a poor representation of myself and i'd prefer that people know who i am, not what i seem to be.

in any case, these thoughts have immersed me in a state of self reflection, and i have a regents to study for. i suppose that is the next step on my path of success.